Coping With Hope
Dedicated to helping people better cope with Cancer
through education, information, and outreach
Tips for Friends & Coping with Cancer
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If you, or someone you know, have a friend who is dealing with Cancer there are a few things we would like to share in order to equip you to better help others Cope with Cancer. These suggestions are not meant as a substitute for proper medical care or for therapy suggested by a clinical counselor or psychologist. If you have a Tip for Friends you would like us to consider, email us by clicking on the following link Coping With Hope.
1. Pray, Pray, Pray. The power of prayer should never be
underestimated. However, if you say you are going to pray for someone please do so.
2. Strange as it may seem, there are still some people in this
world who think that you can catch cancer like a cold. There are some who won’t go near a cancer patient. That is probably the worst thing you could do is withdraw from a friend
3. Others want to remain away from a friend or associate dealing with cancer as it makes them think about their own mortality. Sometimes it makes them think about the prospect that they one day might face serious illness and this may just be too painful to bear. Rarely, will a patient with serious illness know what you are dealing with and making a withdrawal from a relationship like this without explanation could make them think it is their fault.
4. When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer that had spread to
the bone we had a temporary withdrawal of some of our friends. This was not due to number two above but to the fact that they just didn’t know what to say to us. They were dealing with their own shock about this incurable disease and were not sure how we were handling it. Still others thought it was an immediate death sentence. Again, it is normal to experience fear about what to say to a patient with serious illness. Try to remember that the person is the same individual you dealt with prior to the illness. In many circumstances, they just want someone to love and laugh with them and perhaps even cry with them if appropriate. Just try being yourself.
5. Sometimes people withdrawal from friends because they have been close to someone else with a serious disease like cancer. In some of these cases they have lived through that person’s death. It is perfectly normal to have those feelings rekindled in a sense by being close to a friend who is going through what you may have previously gone through before. Remember, your friend may not know what you have been through and may interpret your withdrawal as a fair weather friend. Open communication is often key.
6. Many times cancer patients and others struggling with serious illness welcome planned visits. However, keep in mind that there are times when treatment leaves one robbed of dignity and the ability to feel good about being seen by others. That is why it is often a good idea to call in advance and set up a good time for a visit based on the patient’s wishes. Don’t make visits a NASCAR pit stop but don’t make them lengthy either. Remember, treatment often leaves people feeling tired and lengthy visits wear them down.
7. Cards, letters, and expressions of care are always welcomed. Almost every patient we have talked to expressed the same sentiment. There are always good and bad days with cancer and receiving a card from a close friend or associate that simply says they cared made all the difference in the world. Be an encourager in every way shape and form.
8. For a family where there is no other support or a family in which one person still must work while caring for the other there are several things you can do. First, determine if the family can use meals. In a number of cases, persons advised us that while they felt independent it was nice coming home to a meal after coming home from the hospital or after coming home from work to start their caregiver duties. Second, when one of the caregivers must still remain in a job determine if you can assist with transportation to any treatments. This is always a personal thing as some caregivers don’t want to give up that responsibility. However, it can take a great burden off of them and make things easier at work. What is so critical in this regard is that if you offer to assist be darn sure you do so. Nothing is more stressful than to plan on assistance and then have to scramble because it does not show up.
9. Meals are again a great thing but think proactively. If you provide a meal do so in a non returnable microwavable storage container. While meals are furnished for the right reason to make things easier for the family going through a tough time, it can also add to the burden. For example, when a number of meals are provided by different people in breakable dishes it makes someone have to clean all the dishes and then keep track of who had what. Additionally, not everyone comes in a timely manner to pick up their things so you can have a virtual storehouse of bowls if you are not careful.
10. Flowers are always appropriate as long as the individual is not allergic to the type of flower you send.
11. Think outside the box. Think if you were in this person’s
situation what is the type of thing you might need or want. For example, if you don’t want to fix a meal provide a gift certificate to a firm that brings food into someone’s home. Send a gift card to a local restaurant that delivers or has take out. Make up your own care basket using shrink wrap and include a number of items such as food cards, inspirational books or magazines, bath oils, videos/DVDs, thank you cards/stamps and any other thing you know your friend was partial to. For the caregiver who still works, how about sending a gift card which provides for someone to mow their lawn at a time convenient for them. Gifts that are not time specific can be reserved for use when it is of greatest need for the patient and their caregiver.
